For My Eyes Only

So...I'm starting to wonder whether or not I'm actually supposed to give this blog out or whether this whole project is for My Eyes Only. I'm thinking that this project might all be about my own need to reunite myself with the Holy Spirit instead of tell others about it. But then what was with the voice I heard when praying for my sister Christine? Was that all in my head and did I somehow confuse my own voice with God's? Was I actually just thinking that its my responsibility to help spread the message of God and to save people from the hopelessness that exists without Him?

I wonder if maybe it is a coincidence that I started this blog 2 weeks before I THOUGHT I heard God's voice and that He hasn't asked me to tell people about Him. But if that's the case, then my claim to have heard a message from God is false and I can't help but be a bit worried that I'm thinking I hear a call from God when I don't. I don't want to be some chick that thinks she hears God's voice but its really just her mind playing tricks. I think they call those people crazy:)

I have to admit however, that even as I type out that possibility I just don't feel that this is the case because if it was, why does God seem so present in my life today? Why is God so obviously here lately? It's like I opened some door and now God reveals Himself in everything I do. I can't watch my favorite TV program without my eyes welling up because I feel overjoyed by the Love of God and His presence in that moment. And it's not like I was just saved. I've had a relationship with God since I was 5 years old when I prayed that He would make me less frightened of the monster I thought might be under my bed and even then He delivered on his promise and put my mind at ease before I fell asleep. A loving, intimate relationship with God is not a new concept for me. We've been friends for years:)

You know, sometimes I think it's my responsibility to not do so much deducing and instead just let things be. I spend so much time wondering now what He wants from me and maybe that's a lack of faith since all I have to do is ask Him to use me the way He sees fit and that's enough. I'm just so excited about this project and about His presence in my life that I can't help but wonder what I CAN DO. But then the Spirit reminds me that it's not about me again:) Funny how much I notice my self-centeredness now. What can I do? What will He use me for? When will he use me? It's all about me sometimes! I feel blessed that I now constantly recognize the selfish tendencies I have. Since they're pointed out, I have a better chance of silencing these thoughts. When they bubble up, I simply say a small prayer that God keep Himself at the forefront of my thoughts.

This process is just so amazing. Everyday I learn something new about Him and everyday I experience His love. I can only hope I continue to grow in Spirit and that these 52 prayers turn into a million ones. And now, a quick shout out to the One who made this all possible....

Thank you so much God for immersing Yourself into my life. Without You God, I am nothing. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for blessing me. The joy and peace I have living within my heart is all because of You. I ask Lord that Your will be done through me. Glory to You God!